I just removed a huge bunch of people from my friends list for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's because we have nothing in common, or we never really got to know each other. Maybe I feel like you're not that into reading my journal and have been looking for a reason to remove me, or maybe I've just stopped reading your entries. Perhaps because I'm worried that the recent events in my life and my actions of late are something you frown upon. Whatever the reason, I wish you all the best, no hard feelings. If you have any questions or comments on the matter, I'm definitely open for discussion.

Take care, lovelies.

I'm bored at work, so I finally have some time to upload these. Definitely not dial-up friendly.

( Here we go; )

Are we going to go again? Not to Khanom, but two weeks in the middle of the jungle wasn't enough, we're going to travel through the northern provinces someday.

Other interesting things about Thailand (these are especially good to know if you're going to a place that's not infested with tourists, as the people there are very conservative):

• Don't disrespect the royal family, or you might end up in jail for 15 years. Don't point at pictures of the king and queen and be careful when handling money - the king's picture is on the money. If you drop a coin or bill, don't step on it to stop it. I pointed at a picture of the king one time, and our guide was visibly upset.


• Don't try to shake hands with locals, that's not a habit of theirs. Instead, bow slightly. You don't need to try and do the traditional greeting (wai - pressing your palms together and bowing), as you're most likely going to do it wrong. If you do try the wai, the locals might find it amusing and will laugh at you, but it's okay :) I started doing the wai after a couple of days, and I did it wrong every time. No one got upset, but everyone laughed at me. Ville tried to shake hands with our guide Mack, causing a bit of a confused scene.


• Dress somewhat modestly, Thai people are conservative.


• Don't touch anyone's head!!!! Don't even pat kids on the head, head is holy to Thai people. If you bump someone on the head by accident, apologize immediately!


• Don't touch people with your feet or point with your feet. Ville kind of pointed with his foot at some statues a girl was selling in Surat Thani airport, and the girl almost started crying. We both felt awful after that.


• In some places, national anthem is played from loudspeakers at 8AM and 6PM. Stop what you're doing and stand still until it's over.

There's a lot more to know about Thailand, if you have any questions, ask away!

There's a certain line in John Dies at the End that always gets to me. Defines me, in some ways.

And that day years ago when I heard about the kids shooting up the school in Colorado I shook my head and said it was a tragedy, an awful tragedy, but inside I was thinking the look on the jocks' faces when they saw the guns must have been fucking priceless.

I even wrote an entry about it six years ago, and I still live with it. I still live with the anger, the fear, the shame, the scars. Yeah, the scars, the ones I try so hard to keep hidden, the ones I still lie about. The left side of my head is covered in them, a road map of pain. I can cover them up with hair and makeup and from a distance I look normal. I can choose my angles when being photographed, but whenever I get close to someone they end up asking about them, and every time I lie. A car crash, I say. I fell through a window once, how clumsy of me. I fell off a horse. I've got as many lies about them as I've got scars.

Eight years of constant torture, of endless hell changes you. It empties you out and fills you with rage, and living with rage is so tiresome you'll try to end it any way possible. Suicide is a popular option, I should know. I've tried it three times, but what I really wanted to do was make the people who made my life hell pay. Make them suffer, make them cry, but I was too afraid. So I let it all happen until I found a way out and I took it. I ran, and I never looked back. And still, after so many years, I remember the pain perfectly. I remember the hopelessness, the desperation, the anger, the fear. It's what I lived and breathed for eight years. I never knew what it was that I did so wrong, why me? I still don't know. I still live with the uncertainty, with the fear. Whenever I have to meet new people I am almost certain the past will repeat itself. That I will not fit in, will not be liked, that I will be hated again.

Today, whenever I hear about yet another school shooting I'll gasp with everyone, how horrible, how awful, what a tragedy. On the inside I know someone who went through what I did just chose a way to end it all. Someone who, like me so many years ago, maybe did try to seek help from teachers and parents, but never got the help they needed. My first instinct is not to judge the kids who do the shooting, but to think about what they might have gone through before it. What happened and how it changed them.

Bullying hurts. It makes you doubt yourself and makes you think you're just as worthless as you're being treated as. Long-term bullying changes your life, changes the way you see people and changes what you become. It changes your dreams, your goals and your desires. It kills you inside, and the worst part is, often the bullies have no idea what kind of permanent damage they are causing. The people who used to make me tremble so hard that it was impossible for me to hold a pen, the people who beat me up so bad I'd vomit blood for hours, they don't even remember those times anymore. They don't even remember, but I do. For the rest of my life, I will remember. And this is what it's turned me into: when I hear about bullied kids shooting their classmates, I'll pretend and say "how horrible", "how awful", "that's messed up", but deep inside? Deep inside I think "at least someone got their revenge".

Maybe I'm just not a nice person anymore. Maybe I never was.